June 2011

“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”

It’s a lonely feeling, I know I had spent days being alone and I like living alone but today, it’s lonely. I looked up, the sky is beautiful; I wonder if the sky loves the clouds or it prefers to be alone, like me. Why loving someone is so painful, it makes me cry. Am I destined to be alone?
It’s been 10 years and still I like that girl. She is beautiful but I was not amazed by her beauty. It was her voice I fell in love with. No, she is not a singer yet her voice was soothing to me. I still remember the first time I saw her. She was a total stranger to me, and she had that sweet fragrance that came to me while I was in the crowd. It was different. Yes, it was. I looked back and saw a girl. I tried to take a clear look but she vanished into the crowd. I didn’t sleep that night. Funnier it gets when you will come to know that I was just a 12-year-old boy who was deeply in love with a girl he never saw. Few days passed and the same fragrance entered my classroom. That was the day I got her name. I regret that I was a shy, introvert boy. If I was better, we could have spent more time together. You may know a term, One-sided love. This term refer to people who never get love in return. Let’s say I loved her but I never received the same affection from her. It wasn’t her fault; I am an average introvert guy. People like me take a very long time to confess something. Whenever there were team building sessions, I always prayed to God to include me in her team and thank you God for setting me up in her team. It a may sound silly but before reaching to the class I walked closing my eyes because I wanted to start my day only after I see her face. I remember all the moments I spent with her; The annual function, the English drama, classroom quiz sessions, the antakshari during our leisure class, her mimicry, her smile and the way she defended me when she came to know that my friends called me by my surname. I wish I could tell her these stories again, not as a lover but maybe as a friend. I still remember the day when she called me cute, it was a dare given to her during our class picnic to call someone cute to any student of her liking. I am glad I was that person. Maybe this just was a game for her but it made my day. I also went through heartbreaks a numerous time, when she accepted the proposal, when she tried to exchange my seat with the person she loved. Well, he was better than me in everything. He was good looking, charming, popular and he bought gifts for her. I remember her birthday when I bought her a dairy milk, I used all my pocket money to buy it. Everyone bought different things, pens, expensive materials and what not, I looked at my present, it was melting. I decided not to give her but she found out anyways. My friends made jokes but she accepted it gladly. Those were my happy days but it ended soon. 5th June 2015, I was looking at the door waiting for someone to enter, the day came to an end but she didn’t arrive. Days passed, I thought that maybe she was ill, maybe she went for a vacation and then months passed. One day I came to know that she left the school. That day I felt lonely just as I feel today. Years passed and One day I somehow got her contact. I was nervous before typing a hello message, Will she recognize me? I wondered. I did send the message somehow and I was happy that she remembered. My feelings for her got stronger and then I did something I can never forget. It was the year 2018, I wrote a proposal and the next thing I saw was very hurtful. She said that she never expected something like that from me and she valued me as a friend and I broke her trust. I felt guilty but before I could explain I was kicked out from her life. I came far to forget everything but her words still haunted me in my sleep. I was thinking too much a friend said. Was I? Maybe, maybe not. I took myself far away from her and prayed to God that whatever I did must not affect her feelings. She should be happy and I am sorry. I still feel sorry that I broke her trust and lost someone who was dear to me. I cried during nights and smiled during the days. Years passed but it still feels like yesterday, I hope she’s happy and she does not remember me. I met number of girls in my life but nobody could take her place. I spent my days alone because she was the only one who filled my void and she was the only person I lost. Whenever I wrote love stories people asked me whom I dated, who was my love, they assumed I had a girlfriend. But only me and my God knew that it was just pain flowing through the pen. I always look at the sky because it’s the only thing that connects us and the sky is the only one, who can tell about her. I still love her after all these years. I wonder how she is now, what she is doing, Is she okay? Does she still remember me? I guess I will never know and I think it is the better way. There are various incidents which do not let me forget her.
Dear Sky, please tell her that I am not a creep, I am sorry for what I did, people say that I am making it huge but it is really a huge weight for me. I may not be able to forget her soon and not even in these coming years but she will always be in my heart and I wish her a good luck. I can endure the pain that she’s not with me but I can’t endure the pain that she hates me. I wish we could meet as strangers again someday and write a new chapter of this never-ending story.

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